(OP-ED) It's not so bad
by Aleister
Published: Thursday, October 20th, 2005
If you’re a newcomer from the Earth Plane, you’re probably spending a lot of time contemplating your eternal damnation. You start with the denial and self-blame: “Where did I go wrong?” “What could I have changed?” “Was it really such a good idea to hand multimillion dollar government contracts exclusively to my former company at the taxpayers’ expense?” Then, you look forward: “Is this really going to suck as much as they say? Look, Kennedy’s here. It can’t be that bad if Kennedy’s here.”
Well, yes and no. I’d like to dispel some myths about Hell for you, to ease you into your daily torment. For example, they may have told you that Hell is a lake of fire. Well, we’ve got one of those, but it’s not the whole landscape. In fact, all the priciest real estate is on the lake. It’s a pretty nice neighborhood, really.
They may have told you that you would be gnashing your teeth. That’s really doubtful. If you have a little free time to be reading this, you probably don’t have any teeth left, and you probably won’t see them again. Most of the torture staff collects them to play a CTG, or collectible tooth game.
Also, life down here is not all torture. You do have rights, not to a fair trial, but to remain silent and to assemble and a good chunk of the United States’ Bill of Rights. You don’t get the right to bear arms, though. Keeping those is a privilege.
We alone of the Outer Planes boast an unrestricted right to free speech and a free and independent press, the evidence of which you are reading right now. Scream whatever you want. Heck, you can even yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater down here without any repercussions, mostly because nobody’s surprised. Not even Heaven has a free press. I snuck in the service entrance once. Instead of a press, they have some kind of “shared knowledge of universal truth,” and everyone lives in harmony. Reeks of Communism to me. They’ve killed off everything about the art of storytelling. I will admit, however, that they have the best appetizer cheeses anywhere.
In the final analysis, which you have already undergone, Hell really is a lot like Earth’s United States, just slightly more on fire. Unless you’re disgustingly rich, you’re stuck here, so make what you can of it.
--Aleister is the news & features editor at The Daily Torment.
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