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Sunday, November 6th, 2005

The Daily Torment and all charactes and related content are © 2002-2007 Eric Valdes, some image elements are © their respective owners.

Goblet of Fire opens to critical ambivalence, commercial success

by Aleister
Published: Sunday, November 6th, 2005

LONDON, November 6, 2005 - The crowd had reached a fever pitch in Leicester Square today before the gala opening of the latest filmed installment of J.K. Rowling's phenomenally successful Harry Potter series of books, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire stars Daniel Radcliffe as the perennially nerdy title character, who is illegally entered in a dangerous wizarding tournament in which the competitors must be seventeen or older, because seventeen-year-olds are clearly more apt to face mortal peril than are fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds.

Harry Potter's greatest claim to fame is how it suddenly rekindled an excitement in children about reading. Elementary school children, once part of statistics depicting appalling literacy rates and declining interest in the written word as opposed to television and video games, have flocked to the series' whimsical world and theme of youth empowerment. Even American President George W. Bush has been driven to read by the series' elementary allure, and President of Vice Dick Cheney has been heard to remark that the commander-in-chief "has made great progress in his grasp of phonics. We can finally move beyond The Cat in the Hat." Chris Columbus, one of the film's executive producers, bubbled, "We were so excited that the series was getting kids to read again that we absolutely had to get licensed to make a filmed version of every one of the books!"

When we visited Ms. Rowling at her home, she was tight-lipped about further development in the tale's plot, which is said to conclude in the seventh book. When asked what happened to the fifth and sixth books, Rowling merely shook her head, cryptically, obviously withholding some "inside" Potter information. When the Torment asked her how she felt about her success in peddling pop literature to the masses, she pulled back a curtain to reveal hundreds of screaming children in her front yard. "Are you kidding? I love it! I have little kids lined up around the block every day, waiting for a chance to orally gratify me! It's a wonder I get any writing done!"

Back at the premiere, Peter Jackson was warm about the movie. "Best one of those Potter films yet, sure," he said, cleaning his glasses on his shirt. He then leaned in conspiratorially. "But you do know, Gandalf really could kick all their asses. Even Dumbledore." It's hard not to agree, Pete.


Corrections

by Abyssal Craig
Published: Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

We at the Torment would like to clarify that Ms. Rowling meant "thank" when she said "orally gratify" in this article. She really does love children. I mean, ah, well, you know what I mean. It wasn't dirty.

Aleister, I need to see you in my office. NOW.



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