Alito hearing causes first instance of partisan bickering since 7:43am

by Aleister
Published: Monday, January 9th, 2006

WASHINGTON, D.C., January 9, 2006 -- The Senate confirmation hearings for Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court began today, prompting controversy on and off Capitol Hill. Alito's proponents laud his impressive qualifications and deadly kung-fu grip, while his detractors cry foul at the idea of Bush packing the court with ideologues and styrofoam peanuts after the sudden retraction of Harriet Miers' nomination. Said Bush of his sudden change of heart regarding the woman whom he claimed to be the best qualified for the job, "My master commands it."

Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont was heard to comment, "It's not that he's that bad, it's just that I'm disappointed that President Bush didn't have the decency to fill Justice O'Connor's seat with a Hispanic, part-Asian, Black, Jewish, one-armed midget woman. We don't want this thing to look like an old boys' club, now."

The hearing began with Senator Arlen Specter, who chaired the meeting, asking whether Alito wanted to kill babies with a knife.

"Only if that's what the law requires," he replied.

"And if the precedent is to twist their heads off instead, Judge Alito?"

"Whatever the law requires. Whether I derive any personal pleasure from it is irrelevant."

It didn't really get any more interesting than that, but committee did discuss whether Alito believed in the rule of law, freedom, impartiality, gremlins, and the undisputed supremacy of our Most Supreme Commander. He took approximately two chapters' length of The Grapes of Wrath to respond to each, but the short versions of the answers were "yes," "yes," "yes," "yes," and "If the law requires it."

"It does!" yelled Orrin Hatch.

Outside the Capitol Building, we questioned Senator Harry Reid of Nevada about the nomination. He replied, "Alito is an accomplished jurist, but may be the Antichrist because he was nominated by a Republican."

"Bullshit!" called out Senator Orrin Hatch, hobbling up from behind Reid. "He's got the qualifications and can do what Bush says. That's all you need; no Antichristing about it." Reid and Hatch decided to settle their differences like gentlemen; they plan to yell at each other for a few days, each according to his personal agenda, and get nothing accomplished.