Pluto declared "kind of a planet," namesake is bummed

by Aleister
Published: Thursday, August 24th, 2006

A group of astronomers, convening in Prague, has recently put forth a new definition of "planet" to be decided upon by the International Astronomical Union (It is believed that the Union's acronym, IAU, is a pun on the Earth's distance from the sun). According to this new definition, a planet is any object orbiting the sun that is large enough to have crushed itself round by its own gravity. In this case, Pluto, whose planetary status has long been contested, would remain in the club, but at the cost of admitting its moon, Charon, and two other objects: Ceres, in the asteroid belt, and Xena, in the distant Kuiper belt. The group also favored adding Orson Welles and Marlon Brando as honorary planets.

The IAU, however, was wary of this definition, and a rival group submitted an alternate one. A spokes-stronomer from this group insisted that "it would be a bad idea to let those other so-called planets in. Ceres is all right; I like frosted flakes, but Xena? She'd kick everyone's ass. And I hate that high pitched noise she makes." Additionally, it was projected by some that the broad definition might let as many as 200 potential rabble-rousing Kuiper belt ice-capaders into the list of planets, a move that could potentially necessitate investing in a zamboni, and would suddenly force school children to memorize a paragraph-long planetary mnemonic.

Instead, the rival IAU group has posited that a planet must fulfill the first group's definition as well as "clean up its orbital neighborhood," a massive community service project that very few candidates have had the clout to complete.

At today's IAU convention, scientists, many of whom dressed as their favorite celestial bodies, voted in favor of adopting the more stringent definition, effectively kicking Pluto out of the planet club. It has since been relegated to the status of "dwarf planet," joining numerous small objects, including its own moon and seven Disney characters--ironically, not including the dog of the same name.

Charon, the ferryman of the damned, was disappointed following the announcement. "I was real excited 'bout getting may own planet, you know? It was Charon's time to shine!"

Pluto, Hell's Secretary of the Interior, remarked, "I, for one am pissed--I've had a planet for nearly a century, and now they're going to take it away?" He adjusted his toga over his grey skin. "I didn't even get to use it. My only consolation is that Boaty McBoaterson didn’t get one. Really, how stupid would it be for a chauffer to have his own planet? I still don’t understand how I keep getting lumped in with that guy."

Pluto is spearheading a petition to have his planet’s planethood reinstated. He is also keeping a copy, without a pole-arm through it, to actually turn in to the IAU.