United States government launches IPO

by Aleister
Published: Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

NEW YORK - Today is a watershed moment in the history of the United States. For the first time ever, elections officials have eliminated government waste by dispensing with the thin facade of the polling process and opening the United States' initial public offering at $28.34 a share, of which each registered citizen is guaranteed a lot of exactly one share. Trading was brisk this morning at the New York Stock Exchange, where shareholders in the United States scrambled to unload their burdens of responsibility.

Marty Robespier, a drugstore manager outside of Albany, echoed the sentiment of millions when he made his first-ever stock transaction. "I hired a broker to get rid of the damn thing. It's too complicated to have yourself out in the market for just one share. What the hell can I do with a .000000003% share in anything, anyways? At least I can take the family to Applebee's for thirty bucks."

Shana Lane, a student at Amherst, happily ditched her share in the country. "Thirty songs on iTunes? Hell yeah!" she exclaimed.

Rodney Morris, an analyst at Lhorzhaxe Morris, P.A. in the Fourth Circle, told the Torment that the United States was among its top ten stocks to avoid, alongside Euro Disney and Eastern Airlines, which actually tanked in 1991. "The CEO is a lunatic. With a spending plan like that, he might expect a return in about 200 years. It might end up a decent long-term buy for people with centuries to burn, pardon the pun. But let's be honest, this thing's puttered around for that long already and has made money, what, twice?"

Elections in the United States have been under severe scrutiny, dating back to the 2000 Bush v. Gore case, in which paper votes were discounted because of incomplete puncture marks, or "hanging chads," a label which persisted despite the fervent protest of at least 179 nervous men named Chad. Worse yet, votes during the 2000 election were rumored to have mysteriously disappeared from numerous Floridian polling places. Since then, electronic voting machines have come into increasing favor throughout the country, because they eliminate the necessity for elections officials to produce a paper trail--hard copies of ballots used to substantiate altered vote counts. Unfortunately, such subterfuge has not gone unnoticed, and, in the time since the 2004 election, outrage has been voiced among both Congress and the 12% of the population that still believes that its votes count.

The solution put into effect today was an effort, spearheaded by Vice President Cheney, intended to direct time and money, previously wasted on covering up the sale of votes, toward something more productive. "Going public seemed like an honest move," remarked Cheney before trading opened this morning. "People shouldn't kid themselves about these things."

At the close of trading, 12% of the population still held their shares, some more equal than others, in the democratic process. Foreign investors held at least 15% of the country, but Bill Gates became the majority shareholder, with 72% of shares at his disposal. Some speculate that this might be a precursor to a hostile takeover by Microsoft.

The United States finished at $12.35 today, well above most predictions.