Hezbollah sets things on fire to win complete democratic control of government

by Aleister
Published: Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007

BEIRUT - Lebanon's capital has been nearly paralyzed thanks to a strike urged and orchestrated by opposition party Hezbollah, a group that has gained vast clout in Lebanon in recent years thanks to its independent public works and security programs, such as a rubble exchange, where citizens can bring pieces of homes destroyed by Israeli bombs, and trade them for cash, rubber balls, giant stuffed animals, or even an XBox 360. They are also rumored to have built what has been described as a "most awesome educational water park that you will never see because it is invisible to Jews."

Since the last round of elections, sparked by the assassination of the Prime Minister and several members of the cabinet, Hezbollah has been dissatisfied with the makeup of the Lebanese government and has been demanding the resignation of new Prime Minister Fouad Siniora. To get its point across, Hezbollah has staged sit-ins, stand-ins, shoo-ins, Days Inns, and In-N-Outs, sometimes with thousands in attendance. The government has yet to budge.

Yesterday, Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah called on anti-government protesters to go above and beyond their decidedly inoffensive forms of protest to actively block roads, set things on fire, and stop wearing deodorant. Nasrallah, appearing on Al-Jazeera television, stated that, "We don't like this government that was elected. Because we are not satisfied with it, it cannot be the democratic will of the people. We demand that the current administration resign and a new government be elected."

The interviewer asked, "What if you don't like the new government?"

"Then we will continue to whine and kick until you elect a government we like."

Nasrallah has gone as far as to ask for veto power for Hezbollah and its allies over any and all government actions. "We really don't like having to set people on fire, so we figured if you cater to our every whim up front, it makes things more efficient all around. Allah preserve us, what stinks in here?"

Malik al-Faroud is an anti-government protester who, along with a hundred other people, is blocking off a major thoroughfare in Beirut. Brandishing a torch, he told this reporter that "People who are for the current government, they are for Jews and for Abu-Bakr. They do not want a democratic country or a most awesome educational water park." Several rats, clearly on fire, scurried behind him into an alley. "Cars are good, by the way. It take usually ten or fifteen minute for the gas tank to catch," he said, flexing his bicep and showing off a tattoo that reads ALI 4 LIFE.

Due to prevailing winds out of the north, Israel has started to complain about the smell and is enjoining the Red Cross to drop cases of deodorant into Lebanese metropolitan areas. They are considering firing fire-extinguishing foam missiles into the area as well as massive rocket-propelled bottles of Febreze. In keeping with Hezbollah's traditional anti-Israeli position, Nasrallah could not be happier to cause them grief.

Meanwhile, overseas, U.S. President George W. Bush is scheduled to meet with his cabinet this afternoon to seriously consider the possibility of using Hezbollah's "whine and kick" approach to regime change in order to remove Democratic control of Congress.