State of the Union 2007 - Bush to Congress: "We gotta do summin."
by Aleister
Published: Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last night, U.S. President George W. Bush gave his annual State of the Union address to Congress. Considering that printing a transcript of the speech would last several pages and involve an attention span longer than forty seconds, what follows is a brief summary of the president's major points, along with important background information.
The Economy
The president would like to take credit for a booming economy as a public relations boost to his potential Republican successor.
Next, he declared that it is critical to "balance the federal budget," though did not provide much detail as to how. Plans for this action have historically possessed such components as raising taxes and cutting costs. Talk to any businessman or seek an MBA for more information. In support of this contention, he chastised the members of Congress for irresponsible spending on pet projects that have nothing to do with killing Muslims.
Finally, well ahead of the learning curve, he determined that there may be a problem with Social Security in the future. His message to Congress was clear: "We gotta do summin about it." Several Congressmen breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew, glad that's over," muttered Orrin Hatch.
Education
The President requested an extension and expansion of his No Child Left Behind Act, one in which schools are held "accountable for results," presumably in the form of some kind of standardized test that is statistically sound in reflecting what is learned in the classroom. Although he didn't mention it, Mr. Bush very likely wants to include some kind of funding for the actual creation of such a test. Furthermore, he expressed a desire to give parents the option to abandon failing schools en masse. "If the government has abandoned a school by cutting its funding below the minimum operating costs, why should the students be forced to stay there?" He will very likely come up with a good use for the abandoned buildings, because, after all the money that is spent to build, open and run a school, letting it fall apart would be wasteful. After all, cutting funding to failing schools is a good way to balance the budget.
Health care
President Bush expressed compassion for those who cannot afford health care; "It should be universally available, like in socialism," he said. In order to facilitate universal coverage, he proposed a massive tax cut. "This tax cut," he said, "will not only enable more Americans to afford health care, but also help us to balance the federal budget."
Immigration
The President implied that the House and Senate, with its two widely differing versions of an immigration reform bill, were not "doin' summin" to secure the border. The bills suggest building hundreds of miles of fence to keep out Mexicans and ramping up the number of border patrol personnel. "This sort of thing," Mr. Bush mentioned, "also helps to balance the budget."
He did indicate support of a legal guest worker program, in which a certain number of foreign citizens can enter the country and work here. It surprised him that there was currently no way for foreigners to work in the U.S.
Energy
This reporter went to get popcorn at this point, but it's pretty certain that he said something to the effect of "we don't need no filthy Muslim oil, dagnabbit." He mentioned that Congress should pass laws supporting better fuel efficiency and alternative fuels. "We need Christian energy here in the U.S.," he said. "And them scientologists are gonna have to do summin 'bout it."
Judicial Nominations
Mr. Bush expressed that he was sick of people questioning him and to hurry up and confirm his nominations. Otherwise, deny them, so he can find a worse candidate more quickly.
The War on Terror
Bush claimed that a lot had been accomplished in the war. "Several bad things didn't happen," he said.
"Our enemies hate freedom. They don't even like their own freedom. They want to be oppressed." He stopped for a moment, confused. "Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Why are we doing this again?" He asked President of Vice Cheney.
After some fervent whispering, the President continued. "These enemies will not stop the relentless advance of freedom. We will force them to gaze upon the vast emptiness of choice. It is for the Greater Good. For this reason, I will send an additional 20,000 troops, which we don't have, into Baghdad to rub their stupid pagan faces in our freedom."
"The money we save by sending in more personnel and equipment," he remarked, "Is all part of my master plan to balance the federal budget."
Conclusion
Some analysts have concluded that President Bush is using the fiscal policy he harped on throughout the evening as a means of showing the new Democrat Congress how progressive he is. He is, in fact, advocating the attitude toward fiscal responsibility showed by a superfluity of American citizens, who possess thousands of dollars in mounting credit card debt that they are far beyond the hope of ever paying off; truly, he is representing the people.
Harry Reid, after the show, commented, "As a filthy, big-government, tax-and-spend Democrat, I'm very impressed. He's beaten us at our own game. He's spending, but without the taxing. Pure genius."
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