Intense drama gives Military Commissions Act the go-ahead

by Aleister
Published: Monday, February 19th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a whirlwind run through the major theatre circuit, it seems that the blockbuster hit, The Military Commissions Act of 2006 is finding new life on DVD, and is spawning an ongoing television series. It looked like the end for the franchise until mogul "Death" Ray Randolph, head of D.C. Court of Appeals Pictures, upheld the project.

"It's really tough to know when to pull the plug on a lot of these things," he said. "Emotions get involved; some folks have been nursing a project for years. What do you say to them? It just so happens that keeping people against their will in strange holding facilities overseas is a recipe for theatrical gold! The drama is intense."

Last year, the Act was green-lighted by executive producer G. W. Bush, who is believed by many to be the philosophical progeny of early film great D. W. Griffith. He spoke to us from one of the film's major locations, Guantanamo, Cuba. "The point of the film was an important one; it was a story that had to be told, and I think that thurr's a lesson here for ever'body. That lesson is, of course, that you can't go around pretending that foreign lives have value. I mean, they're just foreigners! It's not like they're Americans! Lookit this here," he continued, crouching down next to a bound, gagged, nude Arab man strapped to a vertically-oriented table. The man's appearance and aroma indicated that he hadn't seen a bathroom in weeks. "These people don't have rights; they're like animals or homosexuals." G. W. gave the man's right testicle a good flick. "See? Lookit the poor little guy squirm. He needs us to care for him."

We spoke briefly to one of the film's stars, Mahmoud Al-Bakrim, who spoke under the condition of anonymity (Mr. Bush previously made it plain to us that words like "anonymity" no longer have any meaning in journalism, mostly because they contain too many syllables for his taste.) Mr. Al-Bakrim, ever in character, was chained to a wall in a three-foot-square cell, and blubbered something about wanting to see his family again. What a sport!

Democrats in Congress have rallied against the film and resulting spin-offs, some calling for the censoring of portions, others calling for an outright ban. These folks were disappointed by Mr. Randolph's decision to keep the film alive, but Mr. Bush points out that the people looking to censor the film are misguided and overreacting. "Remember, these aren't real people," Mr. Bush reminds us. "Whether or not they did anything, whether or not there's any evidence, they're enemy combatants. They are just actors portraying the 'enemy'. Which means they're a bad guy," he explained.

Good to know.