Hopper implicated in Iran's nuclear program

by Aleister
Published: Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

TEHRAN - Iran has long insisted that its uranium enrichment program is purely civilian in nature, while the Bush administration insists that its goal is the construction of a weapon of mass destruction. The U.S. is currently seeking expanded sanctions on Iran from the United Nations Security Council. At a recent press conference, President of Vice Dick Cheney, contrary to the sentiment of the majority of leaders on Capitol Hill, indicated that "all options were on the table" regarding the Islamic Republic's actions. This implies that military force is among the possibilities to coerce an Iranian cessation. A couple of Navy battle cruisers sailed into the Persian Gulf to punctuate the point.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has held firmly to his ground: production of low-grade enriched uranium has "ramped up," due to a large number of new centrifuges and a little secret weapon known as the inclined plane. Today, he proclaimed that Iran would not respond to threats of force, and that it could not be harmed by reduced oil trade. "The Iranian nuclear program has no reverse gear and no brakes," he declared. This enigmatic statement has led senior analysts to one startling conclusion: that the nuclear program has been hijacked by none other than terrorist mastermind Dennis Hopper.

CIA antiterrorism expert Larry Johnson discovered that Mr. Ahmadinejad, during his shifty-eyed speeches, has actually been blinking to us in Morse code. "He says, 'you must help us. We can't slow the uranium below 50 grams per year or it will all explode.' This is conclusive evidence that Hopper is the man pulling the strings."

Long dormant, Hopper left the radar after his 1994 attempt to destroy everything within a city block of a particular bus by using an expertly crafted and hidden C-4 explosive device. Since then, he has not been seen publicly, and Mr. Johnson believes he may have used a piece of an alien spacecraft as a time-traveling science project to send himself back to the 1960s on a motorcycle. However, FBI agent Fawkes Molar has a different story. "What we're dealing with is a criminal mastermind, far beyond the level of your ordinary Osama Bin Laden. There's no doubt that he would do anything, hide for any length of time, to avoid detection. Considering the evidence, there is no doubt that he flushed himself down a drainpipe to an alternate universe whose citizens evolved from dinosaurs and like spiked clothing. There, he has taken over the populace and sends spies out to infiltrate our world, and he is amassing an army to take us over. Really, it's a lot more straightforward and makes a lot more sense than the UFO thing."

Agent Molar further informed us that the FBI was formulating a plan to stall Hopper's insidious scheme. "We will be sending Christopher Lloyd in as a plant in the Iranian uranium facility. Hey, can you say that three times fast? Iranian uranium, Iranian uranium, Iranian uran..."

"Sorry. So Lloyd's job will be to bring production up past 88 grams per year. Using that energy, he may be able to travel back to before this ever happened to stop it, and possibly nab Hopper in the process. But we have some plumbers on backup just in case."

When it was time for agent Molar to take his pills, we decided to call the number the FBI had on file for Hopper. A familiar male voice answered. We asked how he was controlling Iran.

The voice then bellowed a series of expletives that caused the DSL connections in neighboring buildings to slow to a crawl. "Why can't you pricks just leave me the hell alone? For the last time, that was just a f***ing movie!"

Sure it was, Mr. Hopper. Sure it was.