Hillary: I'm blacker than Barack Obama

by Aleister
Published: Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

SELMA, AL - Hillary Clinton, or H-Bomb, as she has recently dubbed herself, startled pundits nationwide when she began overtly competing with black presidential hopeful Barack Obama for black votes. The first battlefield was a march last week commemorating the Bloody Sunday civil rights march in Selma, Alabama, 42 years ago. The two Senators did not meet, but staged very successful, separate, tasteful events mere blocks apart.

The experience has made Selma a staging ground for Hillary's new black campaign. She has been seen sporting an enormous, gold, mushroom cloud on a chain, dark sunglasses, and has entirely altered her communication style to include contractions, slang and words that simply do not exist. At a press conference this morning, she told reporters, as the morning sunlight glinted off her grills, "This who I is." She even went as far as to impugn Mr. Obama’s much-assaulted racial identity. “That ***** ain’t black. I seen him with his pants off, and he ain’t black.”

Her husband, Bill Clinton, commented, “I’d be angry at hearing that, but that would just be the pot calling the kettle black.”

“Shut up, fool; you definitely ain’t black.”

Regarding Obama, she continued, “He ain’t never even been a slave. It’s imperative to—I mean, You gots to have been a slave to be black. Shit, son, I was a slave last week.” When the floor opened for questions, a reporter asked, given that the overwhelming majority of the contemporary African American population has never actually experienced slavery, what is their cultural identity?

“They frontin’. Look, you also gots to have two black parents and be poor fo’ life.. He ain’t got that. You can’t be educated, neither. H-bomb 2008, represent!” She threw up her hands in some semblance of a poorly-constructed letter H.

Senator Clinton, who, until today was actually ahead of Obama in the black vote, has experienced a sudden, sharp decline in her numbers. She promised to come back “much, much blacker.” Incidentally, the same tactic has served to alienate her core WASP demographic, leaving her with only Bill’s vote. And he’s wavering.

Meanwhile, Senator Obama is enjoying the free publicity and soaring polls. “I’m glad Hillary did that,” he commented. “Everyone knows that the old white men in the Electoral College would never let a real black person like her into office; their whole raison d’etre is to keep the black man down.”