"Scooter" Libby convicted of unprofessional nomenclature

by Aleister
Published: Monday, March 12th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - On Tuesday, after an emotionally exhausting and intensely scrutinized trial, a federal grand jury finally convicted I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby of having a seriously goofy nickname. Deliberations lasted 10 days, during which time there was extensive speculation as to how the outcome would affect further inquiries.

"This could be huge," commented Tim Russert, the host of Meet the Press, who was an instrumental witness for the prosecution. "Next they could go after Karl 'Skipper' Rove and Richard 'Tickles' Armitage. There's no telling how far the prosecutors might be willing to take this."

Jurors indicated that they felt bad to be judging Scooter in the first place. One anonymous juror went so far as to say who he would have preferred to see on trial.

"It isn't Scooter's fault that he has a silly nickname," the juror asserted. "I hear George W. Bush is the one tossing made-up names around. He should be held accountable for his ridiculous labeling practices."

But in the end, justice had to be served. Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the prosecutor, said that while gratified by the verdict, "It's sad that we had a situation where a high-level official was called such a stupid name. In public, even. And we wonder why Iran and North Korea have no respect for us."

Scooter's chief lawyer, Theodore V. Wells Jr., said he will appeal the verdict on the grounds that Scooter is "totally innocent and [that] the President has put out far worse nicknames, like 'Pootie-Poot' and 'Weadie'. As a society we need to determine whether the possesion alone of such names should be prosecutable."