Conflicting stories as to why U.S. Attorneys fired

by Aleister
Published: Monday, March 19th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, seven top federal attorneys were let go, presumably at the orders of one D. Kyle Sampson, assistant to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. The move ignited a firestorm of criticism against the White House, as the attorneys in question were poised to begin serious investigations of numerous federal officials who are under suspicion of corruption. One of lawyers, who wished to remain anonymous pending the investigation, asserted that "I was just going to start on those investigations next week, I swear. It just never occurred to me in the past six years that the administration might be corrupt. As soon as I found out, well, I was playing tennis at the time, but, man, I was just about to be all over that. Then they fired me."

White House lawyer Harriet Miers contends that the enforced resignations were performance-related, and that she wanted to replace nearly a hundred other lawyers for poor performance. "Who wouldn't [replace them]? They're freaking lawyers! Of course their performance sucks! They're sowing dissent with all their 'investigations' [Note: She actually made the quote sign with her hands here.]. Mr. Bush and his cronies have way too much going on to waste time on things like exposing corruption and testifying against themselves. I'm going to run all these stupid lawyers out of town, and really get this place organized. I'm the only lawyer they need."

Mr. Sanders, the aide whose hand signed the order, resigned when the public got wind of what was going on. "That's not really a big deal; he's so flighty," remarked Miers. "That guy has resigned seven times already; I swear he resigns at the drop of a hat. I think one time Alberto [Gonzales] sneezed and he resigns. It's like every week with this guy."

Sanders has remained silent on the issue until now, as he has provided the Torment with an exclusive interview at his trendy Art Deco apartment. "The real reason I had to let the poor boys go was a breach in dress code. They were wearing blue pants, and that is so 1999. Red is the thing now. I mean, get with the program, guys! Nobody goes blue anymore. Don't even get me started on those nasty double-breasted cuts and the padded shoulders. I was like, 'Where are you going, Mr. Cleaver?' I just couldn't take it anymore. They had to go."