Britain to black people: “My bad”

by Aleister
Published: Monday, March 26th, 2007

BRISTOL – In the eighteenth century, the town of Bristol was once a hotbed of activity in the realm of human trafficking, representing one of the corners of a version of the “triangular trade,” the economic system once posited by Pythagoras. Situated along the river Avon, Bristol was the launching point for many a jolly slaving party. For the few slaves that made it back to England from the Americas, Bristol was a welcome sight; these people were excited to see places where people wear excessive clothing and where the weather forecasts include phrases like “bleak, with a hundred percent chance of grey.” Fashion expert Maijob Meensnotting remarked that these slaves were “opt[ing] to make a statement about the times, using colors and materials that really threw the British perception of ‘hot’ for a loop. Also of ‘naked’, and possibly of ‘hypothermia’.”

Despite the few slaves imported, many in today’s Parliament—mostly the ones who took a couple hundred years to realize what was going on—are expressing outrage at Britain’s hand in the slave trade. In deference to the descendants of those who suffered at the hands of slavers, and as a big “screw you” to Scotland, the British government is considering issuing an apology. “Really,” said Queen Elizabeth II, “We f***ed up; there is no excuse for abandoning the dignity of man like that. Please fetch me my tea, Mkumbe, and make sure there are exactly 189 sugar crystals in it, there’s a good lad.

“Why are you looking at me like that? I pay him. Usually.”

The very idea of an apology has sparked a debate that has Britons at each other’s throats: Some claim that it is the country’s duty to make amends for past barbarism, like slavery and permitting the export of the Beatles, while others contend that Bristol’s role was minimal and that the past is the past, particularly when it was a couple hundred years ago. Queen Elizabeth I, who felt the need to sound out publicly on the matter, expressed “astonish[ment] that such a thing be on people’s minds in this enlightened era. You may as well ask the Visigoths to apologize for sacking Rome.”

“Never!” roared Visigoth King Alaric, who happened to be ambling by during her interview, raising his axes to the sky. There are unconfirmed reports that following this statement Alaric smote the next centurion he saw, and may possibly have brast him.

“You see, that is exactly the sort of attitude I’m talking about,” continued Elizabeth I. “Rather than try to stop that particular runaway carriage, there are plenty of other problems on Earth to focus on, like Dick Cheney’s necromancy addiction.”

Perhaps the least perturbed by the debate are the members of Britain’s black minority, who are aware that an apology will not stop large numbers of white people from labeling them as inferior and treating them poorly.