Iran displays Bush-like approach to taking prisoners

by Aleister
Published: Monday, April 2nd, 2007

TEHRAN – Fifteen British sailors and marines were seized by Iranian naval forces on March 23. “We were minding our own business, on this boat, and Robert said, ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we were attacked for sailing into Iranian waters? Good thing we’re not doing that’ and, not a moment later, we were surrounded,” said Leading Seaman Faye Turney, who seemed unaware of the gender irony of her title.

Seamen Turney and fourteen others were then held in a military prison on the grounds that their vessel was found to be illegally sailing into Iranian waters. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent the coordinates of the British boat at the time of the arrest to the Iranian foreign affairs ministry, who responded with its own coordinates, which were roughly a foot away from the British ones and essentially proved the innocence of the sailors. Taking a page from the G. W. Bush playbook, the Iranians rescinded their map and sent another one that indicated some sort of wrongdoing. “We suspected they were fiddling with us,” said Blair, “when we noticed that the map they sent us looked remarkably like Australia. It also didn’t help that someone had left on the caption ‘Fake Map,’ in red ink, at the top.”

Blair decided to give the Iranians some tough love. “You give them back right now,” He told Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over the phone.

“No.”

“Please.”

“Still, no.”

“Give them back or else!”

“Or else what?”

“I’ll tell.”

Ahmadinejad made it clear to Blair that Iran plays by no one’s rules but those of Allah, and cited a passage from the Koran in which Allah comes to Earth personally and says “Seriously, my boy Mahmoud can do whatever the f*** he wants”; Allah, however, has since denied these allegations.

“The sovereign nation of Iran cowers before no democratic international bullies!” Ahmadinejad bellowed at a press conference earlier today. “Also, we’ll make uranium if we damn well feel like it, and this incident has nothing to do with that or with any economic sanctions against us! Try something! We dare you!”

Some analysts perceive this outburst as baiting the U.S. into an open assault on Iran, which, most strategists believe, would be a horrifyingly stupid move for the superpower. They are therefore watching President Bush’s every move with a discerning eye, because they have noticed that Mr. Bush frequently references a Bible with a verse in it that sounds remarkably similar to a suspicious verse from the Koran. However, no action has come from either the U.S. or Britain, so far disproving Ahmadinejad’s private boasts that he is a master baiter.