Community Spotlight: Cho Seung-Hui

by Aleister
Published: Thursday, April 19th, 2007

LIMBO — Spectators on Monday witnessed the arrival of a sin prodigy who lived sedentarily, died young, and left an unrecognizable corpse. As is the case for celebrity arrivals, Lesser Abyssals were called in to hold back the crowds surrounding the landing pad and Obsidian Gates, while confused newcomers were booed with disappointment and pelted with moist entrails as the masses impatiently waited.

Like most Earth Plane immigrants, Cho Seung-Hui boasts a list of sins a mile long: sloth, wrath, lust, independent thought, unbridled masturbation, atrocious taste in carpets. What sets this soul apart, however, was the fact that he perpetrated the most destructive shooting spree in American history, murdering 32 innocent people before eating the barrel of his Glock.

“Circle 7 types, they are a dime a dozen,” remarked Undersecretary of Labor to the Lower Realms Tomás de Torquemada, “I mean, we have legions of U.S. Army and Republican Guard down there, fighting because they think they’re still in Iraq—nobody has the heart to tell them—but this Cho kid really went for the gold.” The Undersecretary has big things in store for Cho including his own private condo on the Phlegethon, where the young man will have plenty of opportunity to interact with friends.

Once Cho arrived, several of the cabinet ministers made brief speeches, while the crowd clamored to hear Cho’s words; the mass-murderer, however, would not speak, and was taken aback by the attention. After Cho had had a day to adjust, he was kind enough to grant the Torment an exclusive interview at his new residence. The following was translated from the garble Cho emitted; although the folks at the immigration office managed to jam his missing jaw into a configuration that could produce something resembling speech, it was far from having a fully functional vocal apparatus. Also, he drooled a lot.

DT: In your video, you mention that you were crucified, like Jesus. Where are your stigmata?

CSH: It was a metaphor, asshole. [Ed. Note: This last word could have been “glass bowl,” a metaphor for something else that we couldn’t figure out, but without lips and only a nub of a tongue, who can tell?]

DT: You seem to be good at those, what with being such an accomplished writer. So, there are apparently people who did you a terrible disservice. Were those the ones you killed? Revenge, like?

CSH: They got what they deserved.

DT: So the people who bullied you were the people you killed?

CSH: It took me years to figure it out. I was in fourth grade.

Silence.

DT: …and?

CSH: And they could have stopped it.

DT: Did they make fun of you?

CSH: They had it all, but it wasn’t enough.

DT: For an English major, you use a lot of pronouns without antecedents. So you followed these kids to college in order to kill them?

CSH: No, these were some other kids who had nice things. Like sex. It pissed me off, that I couldn’t… that they were morally corrupt.

DT: I can see why Torquemada likes you. Go on.

CSH: My blood was spilled.

DT: Yeah, a lot of your face, too. You’re Korean; tell me, do you play a lot of violent video games, like Counter Strike, which clearly incites people to think that murder solves their problems?

CSH: No, I realized that murder was the answer during an independent study last semester. But they could have stopped it. The blood is on their hands.

DT: So, no video games?

CSH: They could have stopped it. If I had played video games, I probably could have gotten this out of my system. I wouldn’t be where I am today.

DT: The labor crews haven’t gotten started on you yet, huh?

[It was at this point that Cho decided that it would be a good idea to shoot me.]

CSH: You could have stopped this!

[He turned the gun on himself and blew away an additional portion of his face, disintegrating an eye.]

DT: I guess you really don’t need help with the torture thing, then.

CSH: Why am I still here?

DT: Sucker.