Environmentalists rally around guns

by Aleister
Published: Monday, April 23rd, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, perpetrated by a notoriously terrible writer with access to pistols, gun control, after a long sabbatical, has resurfaced in the American consciousness as cause for concern. Numerous pundits and national representatives have declared that guns are inherently very naughty things and should be all but wiped from public access. On the other hand, a few stalwart conservatives have maintained that fewer lives would have been lost in last week’s tragedy had one of the students been “packing heat and busted a cap in that troubled young man’s ass,” as stated by NRA advocate Charleton Heston. There are some moderates somewhere, but nobody cares.

This resurgence of interest in firearms may have been destined, but a surprisingly strong voice in the debate has come from a number of environmental groups who are picketing the capitol building today. Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Steve Johnson has had a lot of contact with the leaders of the movement. “They believe that guns are inherently bad, that they exist only to kill hundreds of people each year. They want all the guns off the streets” So how does this differentiate them from other groups that want to take guns out of the hands of intelligent and safety-oriented private citizens?

“We want to set up a nature preserve for the little guys,” said Moon Doggie, a bearded twenty-something wearing a bucket cap and carrying a sign that reads, Guns kill people. Don’t let them! “You know, it’s, like, a tough situation, ‘cause we don’t want nobody to get hurt,” he drawled. “But at the same time, guns should still be able to run free in their own, like, natural organic environment. It’s like bears or something. A bear attacks somebody and everybody’s all, like, ‘oh, man, bears are evil.’ But dude, it’s, like, a bear, you know?” He laughed. “They use claws and stuff; that’s what they do.”

Al Gore made an appearance later in the day to address the lobbyists, much to their delight. “The gun, while a danger to us and a natural predator of human beings in the wild, is still one of God’s creatures and demands our respect as such. You young people have impressed me with your commitment to biodiversity and the preservation of threatened species, and you have my support in bringing this before Congress. Have you bought my DVD yet? Tipper is selling them at that striped tent in the back.”

Things came to a head when President of Vice Dick Cheney appeared, mounted, alongside Charleton Heston. Heston made a big show of bagging several “hippies” with a Winchester SXR. “Fascist!” came the calls from the crowd. Cheney, while taking aim at a long-haired young man, managed to shoot Heston, standing behind him, in the pancreas, eliciting cheers. At this, Heston’s gun was taken from him and set free. “We can’t, like, chain these majestic creatures up and make them our slaves, dude,” said Moon Doggie. “That’s not right. They need a place of their own, to run free and fire wildly, where they can’t hurt nobody, man.”

Cheney disappeared, along with Heston and the bodies of some dead hippies, while the environmentalists were distracted by their rifle liberation. The President of Vice was last seen with ragged, bloody chunks of flesh hanging from his mouth. The White House has no comment.