American pets pose ‘serious threat’ to China

by Aleister
Published: Monday, May 7th, 2007

Beijing – Inspectors from the United States have uncovered a secret plot among Chinese food producers: the makers of pet food for export have added a seemingly harmless substance called melamine to their products. The result has been the deaths of at least six dogs and cats in the United States.

Despite calls for caution even from noted warmonger Dick Cheney, President Bush condemned the incident as “nothing short of a terrorist attack on the United States by the Communist sub-humans who tried to kill my father, Ronald Reagan. We have a thousand-year-old blood feud to settle.”

There was one human casualty in this feud, Marie Wenkleschmidt, a cat farmer outside Lincoln, Rhode Island. It was initially presumed that she, like her animal tenants, subsisted entirely on canned cat food, and that contaminated food led to her demise. However, after a long and difficult autopsy, complicated by the fact that her hundred and thirty-eight unfed cats had begun feasting on her decaying flesh, results have revealed that she had been, in reality, eating only the empty cat food cans. She died of internal hemorrhaging. Local residents are distraught, as hers was known as the best cat house in the area.

Pets such as Wenkleschmidt’s are cause for alarm to Chinese President Hu Jintao. The Hu government has long maintained a single non-economic gripe against the U.S.: that the latter has been stockpiling an arsenal of puppies and kitties that could be used in a massive global assault to subjugate the rest of the world. “The power of mass cuteness is not to be underestimated,” claimed Hu at a press conference today. “Japan has accidentally devastated itself in the pursuit of cuteness. If the U.S. will not back down its supply, it must be done for them. Naturally, I disavow any knowledge of the contamination.”

Mao Zedong, speaking from his office in what he terms “The Damned’s Republic of the Seventh Circle” (though this title is not officially recognized) was pleased to hear the news. “It is high time the People of China recognized and responded to American imperialism. The ‘doggie gap’ cannot be closed without some give on the American side, and some help from Korean restaurants.”

Korean restaurateur Shi-Minh Hoh declined to comment, though the menu board at his Milwaukee establishment, the Loyal Sausage, indicated a lunch special on hot dogs.