Wolfowitz under fire from girlfriend

by Aleister
Published: Monday, May 14th, 2007

In 2005, Paul Wolfowitz made a substantial career shift, from ending the lives of Americans and Iraqis alike to heading the World Bank Group. As he said at the time, “I’m getting older and realizing that people don’t like dying; it’s time to just finance the funerals on a global scale.”

His tenure as World Bank President has long been colored by his past, and resented by longtime bank employees who describe Wolfowitz’s approach as “secretive and insular,” relying on his cronies rather than experienced bank personnel to enact policy and help him play Solitaire on his computer. “It’s really hard!” he said of one puzzle.

Now it has come to light that Wolfowitz has been dating World Bank Senior Communications Officer Shaha Ali Riza since 1999. Certainly, the board of the world bank and other critics jumped all over the ethical conflict of interest inherent in the bank president dating an underling, particularly since Wolfowitz himself provided Riza with a substantial raise of over $60,000 a year for no apparent reason, but a more important and damning situation has arisen for Wolfowitz.

“What was that all about? Sixty grand? Pull the other one, you’re the World Bank President. That technically means you have all the money in the world.” That was Riza at a press conference on Friday, criticizing Wolfowitz’s stinginess with her raise. “He could have at least dropped a couple million. There is no way he’s getting any for a long time.”

Wolfowitz, halfheartedly dodging accusations of nepotism and misappropriation of funds, is focused now on winning back the favor of his lady friend. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch since it happened, and it looks like I might not have a chance to give her another raise, since all these guys seem to think it’s not right to give bitches presents or something. Are they gay or something? How do they get laid?” Meanwhile, investment in Sub-Saharan Africa has reached a standstill, but Wolfowitz is spinning his wheels on more important matters.

“You think maybe she’d like a gift box of American soldier corpses? We’ve got some leftovers from that oil tax.”