Bush suddenly declares greenhouse gases part of the 'Axis of Evil'

by Aleister
Published: Monday, May 28th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a bizarre reversal of his position, United States President George W. Bush decided that greenhouse gas emissions are a serious problem and that the U.S. should be a leader in their reduction. This marks the first time that the president has ever reneged on any of his beliefs since the time that he first formed them at the age of six. His mother, Barbara Bush, has been known to mention how cute it is that he still stays up waiting for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

Mr. Bush's announcement is particularly striking in that it directly contravenes the will of his master, President of Vice Cheney. Since Cheney's human lungs ceased to function years ago, his respiratory system has trouble processing the common oxygen-nitrogen mix present in Earth's atmosphere, and thus he supports Big Tobacco and heavy industry as means of harvesting the carbon dioxide, carbon, monoxide, cyanide, ozone, and various hydrocarbons that his dark metabolism craves.

Critics have pegged this as attempting to horn in on Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth market, as revenge for Gore's upstaging of Bush's Gitmo Torture A-Go-Go at last year's Oscars. Others think that the president simply wants to be remembered for something besides senseless violence and acute intolerance.

"The War on Emissions will be long and costly, but it is vital that we stay the course," Mr. Bush proclaimed at a press conference on Friday. In a fit of transparency, he continued, "It will cost many jobs and human lives, but hopefully I can find some way to make my friends some money in the process. Please, please, for the love of God, stop watching the news and stop reminding me about Iraq. I know it's there. You know it's there. Just pour your tax dollars in there and get on with your lives; what do you care what your government does anyway? Emissions, emissions, emissions."

This change has had no effect whatsoever on the administration's policy of stocking all White House restrooms with toilet paper that has the Kyoto protocols, international emissions standards that most industrial nations have accepted for years, printed on it. "America has to be the leader in the battle against the evil greenhouse gases," claimed Mr. Bush. "We will not follow any rules that we have not arbitrarily made up and bullied other nations into following."

"We will not rest," he concluded, "until all the greenhouses are hunted down and destroyed."