Boeing announces airborne torture division

by Aleister
Published: Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

NEW YORK - At a press conference on Wall Street this morning, aircraft manufacturer Boeing announced that it will formally launch its new airborne torture division next month. For years, the company has been providing such services only as part of a contract with the CIA, and the only way to experience it was to visit an airport and loudly say things like, "By Allah!", "Jihad", and "Bombity bombity bomb!" Now, Boeing will make torture facilities available to airlines as added luxuries on its transports. Its stock jumped up two points after the announcement.

"There has been a trend in specialized services and military applications that seem at first too unusual or expensive for general consumption, but turn out to be highly marketable and successful," remarked Boeing's CEO, Jim McNerney. "Look at 3D graphics generators for flight simulation, once only used by the air force and navy to simulate blowing people up, but now a part of most video games that simulate blowing people up. Look at the internet, which was born at some European lab for scientists to 'communicate' with; now it's the world's most voluminous porn distributor. Air torture will be the next big thing."

CIA director Micheal V. Hayden is sorry to lose the exclusivity agreement that his organization has held since the beginning of the War on Terror. "You would say, 'hey, that guy has a beard; he might be a terrorist,' and call up Boeing to ship him down to GITMO with a couple of our information extraction experts. Now that they're opening up and supplying their own equipment and pain artists, we're really at the mercy of the market; I think the prices are going to climb quickly but clumsily, like Paris Hilton up a pole."

Boeing plans to offer a premium service similar to that which it provided the CIA, in which guests are transported privately with a maximum of personal attention and a wide selection of experiences from which to choose, including the popular 'Qur'an is a thermometer' game, but it will also offer well-equipped passenger airliners to its current customers, allowing established airlines a crack at the market. "We don't have the infrastructure to get hundreds of people in the air a day, so it seemed the logical move," said McNerney. "But for our most discerning customers, who really want that personal touch, again and again to the point of unconsciousness, our luxury torture transport is the only way to fly."