God affirms His love for the ignorant

by Aleister
Published: Monday, June 11th, 2007

HEAVEN - In a press release issued earlier today, God, also known as Yahweh, Allah, the Father, and He is that Is, confirmed the beliefs of legions of His earthly worshippers, who stand by the tenets that science is the way to Hell and that it is heresy to interpret the Bible any way but literally. "Among the faithful," the release stated in a most curvaceous font, "knowledge of the world leads only to survival and comfort. This is not the will of the God of Abraham; yea, though I did provide the Canaanites sustenance in the desert, I ensured that this selfsame nourishment could not be got by the labor of their hands."

This is entirely in keeping with God's message in previous, though rare, communications from the Heavenly Realm, in which he has been heard to say, "Use only thy faith to sustain thee; I am the path and the cart and in all likelihood the horse as well, but I have to check up on that last one," and, more poignantly, "I just want to feel needed." This has prompted analysts to postulate that, despite his divine quality of omnipresence, God is rather lonely since he kicked his children out of the Garden and suffering from that blight upon middle-aged housewives, empty-nest syndrome.

Although God could not be reached for comment, as He has never granted an interview, we did catch up with Adam at his small ranch in the Eighth Circle. "It's been a while," he said, "so you would think He would have gotten over it, but when you consider the size of my family, it's a pretty sad deal to be an estranged Grandpa. And most of those get to die eventually; He's not so lucky." Has Eve had any contact with God? "I don't know, haven't spoken with her in years. I kept resenting her for the apple thing, just couldn't help it, you know? If it weren't for her, it'd still be okay to f***, and I guess I just can't forgive her for it."

Adam's situation is proof that ignorance of the law is an excuse for wrongdoing in the eyes of God, and with that in mind, the faithful on Earth seek to learn as little as possible about their universe, taking the Bible as a historical document despite its recounting of impossible tasks, such as the creation of the Earth in six days, when public records clearly show that the construction actually took thousands of years, mostly due to permit delays and lazy subcontractors. Lucifer himself has long adhered to a policy of planting the remains of impossible ancient creatures in the soil of the Earth in order to confuse its inhabitants; little realizing that he is serving God's agenda in separating those with the hubris of knowledge-seeking from those who know the world only through faith.

"Remember Me, and worry not about from what you are made," concluded the press release. "If the Good Book saith it is mud and dirt, then thou art mud and dirt. It would most assuredly gross thee out to the max to know what thou really art. Be not gross in the eyes of the Lord."