Democracy found dead, Partisan Politics held for questioning

by Aleister
Published: Monday, June 18th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States was shocked at the discovery of Democracy's body on the steps of Capitol Hill on Friday morning. Senator Arlen Spector was first on the way to the Senate floor early that morning when he nearly tripped over the Incarnate's corpse. "I had expected for a long time that this might happen, that we've been slowly needling him to death, but never thought I'd see him like this. He's the type that you always expect to be around, the type that can bounce back..." He was too moved to continue.

Washington police are used to high-profile murders, hits and assassinations, so they were prompt in responding, in limiting public access to the scene, and in rounding up the usual suspects. A number of professional lobbyists and heads of business interests were brought in for questioning, their influence having long put a stranglehold on the democratic process, preventing representatives the access to constituents that democracy needed to survive. Though an attempt was made to bring President Bush into custody, the officer making the arrest was imprisoned by the CIA as an "enemy combatant," to be held without charge until he dies of malnutrition.

Perhaps the most interesting suspect was another, more recent Incarnate, Partisan Politics. Appearing as a phantom in various cultures, he has been a harbinger of wars and the falls of civilizations; he was last sighted openly during the split of the Holy Roman Empire. Although he made his presence known early in the history of the U.S., the young country has managed to persist despite his influence. Partisan Politics is now so ubiquitous on Capitol Hill that he could not have hoped to escape arrest; the incarnate has a fairly lengthy record, but has not been convicted of anything to date. Police detectives speculate that it has long been Partisan Politics' goal to get Democracy out of the picture and make way for such power-hungry substitutes as Oligarchy or Totalitarianism. As it stands, Partisan Politics insists that he was in the shower at the estimated time of death, but has no witnesses, owing to the convenient fact that he must actively concentrate to reflect light.

Democrats are distraught at the death of their namesake, and likewise, Republicans on the Hill have been providing rousing speeches in Democracy's memory, and condolences to the family of the deceased. "He served his country well for over 200 years," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "But I guess now it's time for our party to take control of things."

"You mean ours," retorted Republican Leader John Boehner. "We're in charge, you softy bitch." At this, the two of them drew guns and shot each other.

Democracy's age is estimated to have been at least 2500 years. He is survived by his wife, Social Mobility, and their two deathly asthmatic children, Tolerance and Free Speech.