Iranian professors develop breakthrough policy

by Aleister
Published: Monday, July 2nd, 2007

TEHRAN – Two professors at Tehran University have combined their efforts in order to determine the most advantageous possible course of action in the face of the oil ration enacted by the government. “Obviously, rationing would be very bad for the economy, causing people’s businesses to wither and maybe leak poverty,” spouted Utilitarian philosopher Dr. Hassan Abid. “Really, the government should have dropped the subsidy and let the market do its job, but since we all know that it’s impossible to change anything the government does, we must accept it and make the best of it. And that means setting gas stations ablaze and blowing them up if at all possible.”

Mathematician and game theorist Dr. Mohsen Adar agrees. “Any petrol that I don’t have is petrol that somebody else has, and there is a limited quantity worldwide; the market is therefore a very complex zero-sum game, which means there are sum zeroes. In smaller games, it is feasible to gain from your opponent, but when it’s one man against a world of petrol-vultures, the answer becomes clear: you can only get ahead by destroying the means of distribution.” A gas station behind him, a block away, exploded. “Well timed,” said Dr. Abid.

Dr. Abid continued, “You probably are thinking that this policy makes no sense from a utilitarian perspective, but you’re wrong. It confers minor individual advantage in the short term, but, when it becomes impossible even to get petrol anymore, Iran will be forced into exploring cleaner sources of energy, conferring a net benefit to the world at large.”

“And we have only to endure a minor Stone Age in the meanwhile,” said Dr. Adar. “The people are all for it and are helping out, although I have doubts as to whether it’s for our reasons.”

The professors are already negotiating a deal with Fox for the rights to their story; the contract stipulates that Drs. Abid and Adar be played by Ed Norton and Brad Pitt, respectively.