Harry Potter to end on Saturday, fans due to get a life by August

by Aleister
Published: Monday, July 16th, 2007

NEW YORK - At 12:01 a.m. this Saturday, stores across the country will release Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows to scads of fans who will line up around their respective blocks in the middle of the night and in all likelihood bother the hell out their parents, who will pay thirty to forty dollars a copy. This is true even of fans in their twenties and thirties. The parties are planned to be enormous.

The significance, of course, is that the release of this, the final Harry Potter book, marks the end of an era. Potter's fans have spent the last ten years under his spell, circulating books and infecting others, always waiting with a not-so-quiet intensity to find out what happens next. Now, they will know.

And there will be nothing else left for them.

Suicide hotlines have been put on high alert for the days following the release of the novel; they are projecting a record volume of calls. Many bookstores are releasing the names of pre-order customers to these organizations, which will cold-call these customers to ensure a well-adjusted reaction to the series' end. "We are aware that many of these children, and, um, adults, have lived their entire lives with Harry Potter by their side to share in their pain and give them courage," said Emily Plath, CEO of the subtly-named, nonprofit, anti-suicide group Live Your Pain through Writing. "Now, without the guiding force of this multimillion dollar franchise, they may not be able to cope. We have copies of a Series of Unfortunate Events and Artemis Fowl on hand. The latter is kind of a Harry Potter methadone.” She paused awkwardly before bubbling, ”And he’s such a cutie."

Those who make it through this troubling time, addiction experts agree, stand a decent chance of making a clean break from their former lives--as message-board trolls and costumed convention-goers--and becoming productive members of society. "It's as if an alcoholic has been told there's no more alcohol in the world, or the United States that there's no more oil," said Plath. "They don't even have to worry about taking it one day at a time anymore, as long as they make it through the first weeks."

If Potter fan Gina Richie is indicative of a larger trend, she might worry the experts. "I love Harry and Neville--f**k Ron--and I can't wait for the last book, but I've kind of gotten into this show, Naruto? It's really cool, and there are about a million episodes, and the guys are so cute, and they do ninja magic..."

"That one," said Plath, "might consider suicide as an alternative."