Health care to be resolved when we feel like it

by Aleister
Published: Monday, July 23rd, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Democrats and Republicans are once again taking up arms against each other, this time over the extent of the upcoming reinstatement of the Children's Health Insurance Act, which may include large extensions to Medicare. President Bush has threatened a veto of the House's version, indicating that its passing is a step on the road to government health care for every American, and, by proxy, the complete elimination of property rights and free enterprise.

The bill's Democratic sponsors, meanwhile, contend that without free healthcare for everybody, only Bill Gates can afford health care. Gates himself made an appearance on the House floor, stating, "I love my private doctor, who is a Harvard medical grad with a PhD in biological sciences from Oxford. Only God knows more about the human body than this guy does, and I don't allow him to sully his hands on any other patients. The rest of the world is, effectively, f**ked."

To combat this problem, Democrats are attempting to expand the reach of the Children's Health Insurance Act to include many adults and elderly. "Eventually," claimed one of the bill's sponsors, "we will have free health care for everybody, just like Switzerland," referring, of course, to the fact that everybody gets free Switzerland. "The doctors will have to work for free, but, no harm in that, right? They're rich already. It all works out."

The President has made it known that "it's 'No Child Left Behind,' guys. Not 'No Adult.' Adults don't get ya votes. People wanna hurr about the childrens and how they read real good now, all thanks to me."