Iraq wins soccer championship, Bush declares war over

by Aleister
Published: Monday, July 30th, 2007

BAGHDAD - Yesterday, Iraqis took to the streets in celebration when their soccer team defeated Saudi Arabia for the Asian championship cup. Many have taken this as a promising sign for the ailing country's unification. At an emergency press conference first thing this morning, President Bush had this to say:

"I am pleased to announce this morning that Iraq has won a decisive victory against the turrurrists. Although the spoils of this victory will, sadly, not be in American hands, this could not have been possible without our Coalition forces on the field, making things safe for the Iraqis. One soldier, Sgt. A.J. Nichols, took out five Saudi players singlehandedly, one by using only a throwing knife which lodged in the back of the turrurrist's head and poked out of his left eye. That sounds pretty cool from here.

"The point, my fellow Americans, is that this defeat has made it impossible for Saudi Arabia to enrich uranium and has totally unified Iraq. To my detractors, I have only to say: Mission accomplished. Again."

Later in the day, President of Vice Cheney issued a press release from an undisclosed remote location, indicating that the President was "a little confused on a couple of basic items" and that "the war is not over. It will continue until I have enough money to own multiple countries and human beings of several colors, so that when I am served my coffee in the morning, I will be served by a person in a matching shade, no matter how little or much cream I put in."

The Asian Championship cup, while in a convoy en route to Baghdad for public display, was destroyed by a roadside bomb.