NASA sends teacher into space, hopes to get rid of more

by Aleister
Published: Monday, August 13th, 2007

On Wednesday, the space shuttle Endeavor successfully launched, bringing to fruition a dream that has stayed in the hearts and minds of the American public since the failed Challenger launch of 1986: sending a teacher into space.

"The Challenger mission has never been labeled a complete failure," said Scott Kelly, Endeavor's Mission Commander, in an interview the day before liftoff. "We did get rid of a teacher, but everyone agreed that it was not a humane way to do it, and, more importantly, that too many innocent lives were lost in the process."

"Teachers give you work and make you do boring stuff that you just don't want to do," stated NASA Administrator Michael "Peter" Griffin. "This has been one of the major goals of the shuttle program, and now that we've reached this milestone, we can work on setting up a slapdash moon colony for them. Get 'em off the Earth, man." As for the astronauts on board, "I can tell you they're not happy, being cooped up with a teacher for weeks, but they're taking one for the team, just like Jesus."

The teacher in question, Barbara Morgan, who has endured a full regimen of technical training as an astronaut for the sake of the mission, is all smiles about being the first teacher in space and has told students, via a special shipboard presentation today, that they can "be anything they want to be."

Mission specialist Rick Mastracchio rolled his eyes. "No, they can't. Some of them are dumb. Some of them will get into school, try to study something like physics or biology, or even accounting, half-assing the beginning of four or five majors before discovering that they are such worthless failures at any real field that they have to study education. Have you ever spoken to an education major?" He shuddered. "I can't wait for this to be over. I got a rip in my glove during a space walk, I asked her for help, and she actually cried. I better be getting a medal for letting her breathe our precious oxygen."