Petraeus plans to quell sectarian violence with sectarian violence

by Aleister
Published: Monday, August 20th, 2007

Desperate for something positive to report in his upcoming meeting with Congress, U.S. General David Petraeus has issued a new directive to ground commanders in Iraq: in addition to Iraqi army forces, the U.S. Army will be putting "neighborhood Guardians" on the payroll. These Guardians are locals who wish to protect their own Sunni neighborhoods from Shiite militias. "No matter how much it looks like it, we are not arming sectarian militias," said Petraeus. "They are bringing their guns from home."

Under this plan, American forces will pull out of homogenized neighborhoods, leaving the locals, along with their Guardians, to fend for themselves, freeing American forces to sweep contested areas in greater numbers. President Bush expressed his approval of the plan. "These new Guardians will fight well," he said, "because their cause is just, and because we are giving them such huge assloads of American taxpayer money."

President of Vice Cheney was overheard discussing the Guardians' training with General Petraeus: "Hand them a check, then run," Cheney said. "I want these Muslims wiping each other out, hardcore."

Many young Iraqi men are leery of the U.S.'s offer. "Given the current state of the international market, and the plummeting value of the dollar, I don't think I could be expected to risk my life for any sum of American currency," said Abu Muhammad Ahmed, who turned down a recruiter earlier today. "Perhaps if the European Union came knocking, I could sell my blood to them. Your President of Vice seems to have more confidence in them, as well."

Not all Iraqis are as astute as Ahmed. One, who wished to be identified only as Muhammad--because really, who's going to know?--decided, along with a large group of friends, to join en masse to be issued "a license to kill, like James Bond or Abu Bakr, right? What bad-asses!" More importantly, "We really just want to take as much money as we possibly can from the American people. Who knows, maybe we can bankrupt their money as much as their morals!"

Analysts have concluded that there is little to worry about from Muhammad and his cronies. Such plans could never work, partially because the U.S. government has been deficit spending for over eighty years and has already been bankrupt much of that time, and partially because the people in power are so morally bankrupt that the debt will never have a chance to catch up.