White house decrees Paris Hilton extremely newsworthy

by Aleister
Published: Monday, August 27th, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - White house officials declared in a press release this morning that Paris Hilton is, "a front-page news item of unparalleled interest." It can not be denied that the "celebutante," after achieving notoriety through free pornography and starring in among the most mind-draining programs ever to sully television, has somehow retained star status, and since her recent run-ins with the law, become a leading story on networks from CNN to MSNBC.

"You give the people what they want," said CNN U.S. president Jonathan Klein. "And there's no doubt that rich blonde sluts get ratings."

An unidentified White House aid to Dick Cheney indicated quite the opposite. "People watch TV, no matter what," he said. "We have a serious and divisive issue related to troop withdrawal right now, so the less of that on TV, the better. If we screw up, no one will know. If the administration decides that it's constitutional to freeze your bank holdings and spy on you, no one will know. It's all about Paris."

Independent studies that have been censored in all but print form confirm that television ratings have nothing to do with the quality of programming, only that the programming exists. Unfortunately, no one will ever know because television is the only medium by which people obtain news anymore.

"This is the biggest distractor from contemporary issues since we faked the Moon landing," said NBC CEO Bob Wright. "Paris Hilton has saved George W. Bush's life. If it wasn't for her, people would have long since stormed the Palace--uh, White House--and taken his head. Hey, did you hear she's out of prison?"