Surgeons remove Alberto Gonzales

by Aleister
Published: Monday, September 3rd, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House underwent surgery last week to remove an Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. The Gonzales had shown up in 2005, during a routine checkup, and was subsequently confirmed by an MRI. The government later complained of a discharge of attorneys (a substance similar to pus) that came from the Gonzales, prompting the recommendation by government health experts that it be removed entirely. The administration, however, was reluctant to go under the knife, citing religious reasons and infallibility, and failed to contact its doctors for months.

Finally, however, the Bush administration decided that it would be an acceptable precautionary measure to remove the Gonzalez. “We’re damned glad of it, too,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We weren’t sure whether that Gonzales was malignant--I mean, it probably was, given all the attorneys oozing out of it--but you can never be too safe with these things.”

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell added, “The little thing was creeping me out. I swear, sometimes I thought it was listening to me. Without a warrant.”

It is speculated that the administration realized that it is nearing the end of its life and is desperately trying to do anything it can to prolong its survival. Another theory, gathered from among White House aides, is that President of Vice Cheney has orchestrated the surgery, that he might save his necromantic powers to keep the Bush administration alive beyond the 2008 election. Cheney has not been sighted recently for comment, but several chickens and cats near the White House have gone missing, along with all of the Presidential emergency candles.