Justice Department monkey approves XM/Sirius Merger

by Aleister
Published: Monday, March 24th, 2008

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Department of Justice handed down a decision today approving the long pending merger of the only two satellite radio providers in the Solar system, XM and Sirius. The department's antitrust division, consisting of a small plastic monkey that nods when wound up, found no problems for consumers in the deal, and no loss in competition: despite the fact that there would be no other providers of the service, auditory media competition would continue to exist in the form of listening to mp3s and grass growing, as well as talking to people. In fact, the whole reason the case has taken so long to resolve is that technicians were having difficulty winding up the monkey.

"The yes-monkey is a complex system," stated Thomas O. Barnett, assistant attorney general. "We find that it is often difficult to move the winding mechanism; it freezes up. We've tried WD-40 and a number of other lubricants, but the only one that seems to work is cash, and lots of it." This philosophy fits snugly into the Bush administration's very un-Republican modus operandi, in which most problems are solved by launching bags of taxpayer dollars at them, usually via catapult, but occasionally via the Missile Defense System, which has to be good for something.

A bit confused, President Bush claimed he "thought Sirius died in Order of the Phoenix. I'm glad he's back to wage war on American consumers. Don't know that XM fella, though. He one o' them rappers?"