Protest group placed on China's list of terrorist organizations
by Aleister
Published: Monday, March 31st, 2008
PARIS - The Olympics this year, slated to begin on August 8 in Beijing, have become the focus of global protest of China's spotty human rights record--one that includes using people as an ingredient in concrete, and firing all the air-traffic controllers at the Beijing International Airport, calling them superfluous because as planes approach the city's airspace, they crash into the wall of smog and explode. As the Olympic torch makes its traditional run around the world, people of all nationalities are making their feelings on the matter known, by stealing the torch if at all possible.
"Stealing zee torch, she would make zee China take notice that people are more than numbers, that they are people, who buy French wine," said Jean-Jaques Ratatouille, an unwashed French protester and leader of the French activist group La Merde Humanite, who plans to steal the torch during its run through Paris. "They must provide zee peoples with zee safe working conditions, and a little nap time during zee work day. Stealing zee torch, she clearly send this message, with no room, for zee, how do you say, misinterpretation."
As a result, La Merde Humanite has been placed on China's "List of Terrorist Organizations and Other People Who Don't Agree With Us," a foreign relations tactic borrowed from the United States. "They, among others, want the torch, a symbol of our national sovereignty and place among the brotherhood of nations," commented Chinese Minister of State Luk Fuk Yu. "This can only mean they want to destroy us our country and people." When questioned about the torch's impact on its human rights record, Mr. Luk removed his breathing mask and said, "What human rights record? We treat people like oil: precious state-owned natural resource that cannot possibly run out."
As a counter-terrorist measure, the Chinese Torch-Corps, a specialist detachment from the People's Army, has been assigned to protect the torch and its bearer at all costs. Wearing profoundly heterosexual powder-blue track suits, this elite team of six-foot-tall Chinese soldiers runs everywhere with the torch-bearer, never sleeping, never eating, and never taking their eyes off the prize, lest they be killed for their failure upon returning, via a run along the historical Silk Road. The Torch-Corps do not carry weapons, but have already dispatched one hundred seventy different would-be torch-snatchers with a form of kung-fu that is too fast for the human eye to register, seemingly allowing them to murder foreign citizens in broad daylight without repercussion. They have been ordered to take down Ratatouille and any of La Merde on sight. When questioned as to the full extent of his duties, one of the Torch-Corps unnervingly faded into nothingness. We assumed this meant "no comment."
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