Castro resigns, has yet to fake death
by Aleister
Published: Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
LA HABANA – Last Monday, Fidel Castro, Cuba's resident nominally communist dictator, announced, through a press release, that he would not be seeking reelection. Cuba's President is selected by the Communist Party's National Committee, which is a group of people who have convened every few years to determine that there is no better candidate for president than Fidel Castro. This year, however, Fidel has ordered them to decide that his younger brother Raul Castro is the man for the job.
"It was a difficult decision to make," said Fidel Castro, speaking to us from his home in Antenora, Orbis Nonus, where he has lived since his botched intestinal surgery in 2006. "I didn't ever intend to leave power, but for the sake of appearances, you know, since I want history to remember me kindly, I had to put Raul on the ballot and give the people the choice to elect him."
Castro believes that given his health in his later days, even pretending to live 81 years was pushing it. "Did I completely think I could get away with that?" laughed the now-armchair dictator. "Would they have believed it was me in the chair until I was 150? No, I don't think so. Telling Raul what to do from here is better."
Castro has no plans to institute a revolution in his new home state, content to live under the Infernal brand of totalitarian bureaucracy. "I can appreciate the Devil's approach to government," said Castro. "With my own remote-controlled puppet country to play with, I have no complaints."
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